Sit down, drinkers of the world, a new beverage has hit the global market.
With no calories, it’s “all natural, with no sweeteners, preservatives, colors or flavors.”
It’s “intended to drink daily.”
“Easy to drink, it can be used as a person’s main source of hydration.”
It “complements food, juice (fruit and/or vegetable) or is perfect just on its own.”
Best of all, it “imparts a gentle, diuretic benefit.”
Sound vaguely familiar?
An Australian company’s promoting its newest beverage with claims that seemed ripped from the headlines – of The Onion.
Balance, an Australian company with offices around the world, has created Cleanse. “A functional water enhanced with Australian flower essences designed to help you de-stress, focus and achieve emotional stability.”
"We all know how hard it is to have a 100 percent healthy diet all the time," says co-founder Martin Chalk in a press release. "It requires self-discipline, expense, is time consuming, can be quite anti-social and, to be frank, is rather boring. I mean there's only so much kale and green tea your body can take. We're not monks living in remote places. Life is about balance and that's why we exist as a company. Have that slice of pizza, that glass of wine, etc... just in moderation and balance it by flushing out some of those oxidants and toxins with Balance Cleanse… perhaps so you can create space to add more," said Chalk. Sounds great to me! In fact, this product could be the ultimate ingredient for a healthy cocktail: a mixer that also flushes toxins.
We’re all for innovative, healthy products, and we truly mean no offense, but to set it apart, perhaps Balance might focus on promoting what makes its beverage less like, um, water?
Cleanse contains Australian flower essences made from hearty Aussie plants. “A combination of new, mature and old blooms are collected using twigs from the plant so they are not contaminated by human touch.” Not from The Onion, honest. And also, honestly, if Balance is hiring people to wander the gorgeous Australian meadows featured on its website, to pluck flowers with twigs, I am available.
I am also jealous. Apparently, Balance is making big bucks. It’s sold around the world in premium organic outlets like Whole Foods. Hugh Jackman drinks it. The appeal of water should not be underestimated. Especially this revolutionary water, which “is a first of its kind,” according to the website. People are thirsty.
Which brings me to my own idea for a functional water: Wet, a drink that’s not only hydrating, easy to drink and gently diuretic, but you can also wash your face with it.